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God Confesses He Was Conceived By A Big Bang

HEAVEN—Coming forward with details pertaining to our existence—our Heavenly Father has revealed that He Himself did not in fact will Himself into being. Rather, He, who is the Creator of the Earth and everything in the known universe, was immaculately conceived during, “some sort of big bang.” “Yeah, I mean, I created all this shit … Continue reading

Charlotte Leaders Unveil Giant Robot To Protect City

CHARLOTTE, NC—As the list of potential threats to our nation’s cities continues to grow—with terrorist activity, climate change, and political corruption all posing their own unique hazards—Mayor Clodfelter announced at a televised press conference Tuesday morning that his new proactive approach to city defense includes the “immediate and liberal use of a giant robot.” “As … Continue reading

God No Longer Trusts In Dollar Bill

HEAVEN–Denouncing it as both “wildly unstable” and “in a state of transition,” The Almighty revealed in the latest issue of Fortune that He no longer trusts the U.S. dollar. “I know it says you trust in Me, but I don’t trust in it,” God told the interviewer. “I just think it’s pretty weak right now. … Continue reading

The Original Mattress Factory Gets Firm On Imitators

CLEVELAND, OH–With the public proclamation that they, “won’t sleep when it comes to brand infringement,” retail bedding giant The Original Mattress Factory announced at a press conference Tuesday their intentions to finally put an end to their imitators. “We’re well aware of the fact that there are other companies who desire nothing more than to … Continue reading

Study: More Money Still Equates To Better Than

NEW YORK, NY—In a continued study based off Value Magazine’s highly publicized 1997 research, science has upheld the original findings that the individuals with the most money are in fact better than those with very little money–meaning that the extreme gap between the lower 99% and top 1% leaves a select few to be the … Continue reading

Poor Economy Leaving Unattractive Rich Unable To Afford Trophy Wives

SAN JOSE, CA—With a slow-recovering economy, the lower and middle classes aren’t the only ones suffering. While the nation’s top 1% is earning more money than ever before, the nation’s wealthy yet unattractive are reportedly, “not earning enough to even attract a gold digging trophy wife.” Paul Raymond, 35, a well-off software engineer who is … Continue reading

Local Man Shaves 15 Minutes Off Commute By Just Shitting In His Car

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE—Defying the traditional morning routines embraced by millions of other Americans, local businessman Kevin Brusco, 31, discovered Tuesday morning that he can shave 15 minutes off of his morning commute by simply shitting in his car. “I’m the kind of guy that appreciates convenience and practicality,” said Brusco, who has entirely removed the toilet … Continue reading

Jesus: “Dad, You Smell Like Scotch”

HEAVEN—Judging by his slurred speech, loosened inhibitions, and recent series of embarrassing public mishaps, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, reportedly determined this week that His and Our Heavenly Father, God, has been “drinking a lot more than usual lately.” “I noticed Him watching Sam & Cat in the den,” said Jesus, whose ultimate sacrifice … Continue reading

Novice Car Salesman Gives First Few Cars Away For Free, Just Until He Establishes Himself

  MIAMI, FL–Describing the practice as both a “sound business move” and “a great way to get my name out there,” novice used car salesman Blake Long, 29, has decided that he’s going to give away his first few cars, “just until he establishes himself.” “Although it may be a somewhat unconventional approach, I just … Continue reading

Business Now Hiring Recent Grads With 5+ Years Industry Experience

STANFORD, CT—Searching for “the best new talent,” Sigma Industries is now looking to hire recent 2014 graduates to meet their unrealistic requirements. The newly graduated students with little to no experience in the career field in which they majored are now subject to “industry standards.” “We’re wanting young, new, and fresh visionaries to contribute alongside … Continue reading

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