This category contains 10 posts

God Confesses He Was Conceived By A Big Bang

HEAVEN—Coming forward with details pertaining to our existence—our Heavenly Father has revealed that He Himself did not in fact will Himself into being. Rather, He, who is the Creator of the Earth and everything in the known universe, was immaculately conceived during, “some sort of big bang.” “Yeah, I mean, I created all this shit … Continue reading

Video Guns Leading Cause Of Game Violence

DURHAM, NC—Researchers at Duke University released today the results of a decades-long study of the root cause of violence in games, and have conclusively proven that video guns are indeed the culprit. “It has long been suspected that video guns lead to game violence, but now we’ve actually confirmed it,” wrote lead researcher James Whitfield, … Continue reading

New Sports Video Games To Have Dynamic Stories About Why Ball Needs To Move

LOS ANGELES—As shocking announcements continue to pour out of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or E3, EA Games has revealed an audacious new strategy for its traditional annual sports games line-up. At their press conference Monday afternoon, EA Games CEO Andrew Wilson spoke on behalf of the EA Sports division about this bold new innovation. “Traditionally, … Continue reading

Student Film Almost Like Real Film

GAINESVILLE, FL–Citing its “competent” cinematography, “above par” acting, and “mature handling of serious subject matter,” students from the University of Florida’s film department were proud to announce today that their new film is “almost like a real Hollywood movie.” “Our friend’s parents let us use their summer house for the whole weekend,” Darcy Jones, 20, … Continue reading

Leaked Godzilla 2 Info Alleges More Human Drama, Less Powerful Godzilla

HOLLYWOOD, CA—As Godzilla continues to dominate the box office—grossing a downright monstrous $93.2 million during its opening weekend alone—details about the inevitable sequel to the film have already begun emerging from the internet’s briny depths. Sources close to the production claim that the film will focus “much more on the human drama,” and will “take … Continue reading

Idiot Kid Laughing At Movie Has No Idea It Was Critically Panned

LANSING, MI—Local sources confirmed Tuesday evening that Billy Kilson, 6, was indeed seen laughing uproariously during the 7:00 p.m. showing of Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return. It also has been confirmed that Kilson had no idea that the recently released film was one of the most critically reviled in recent memory. “When that little dumbass … Continue reading

Jesus: “Dad, You Smell Like Scotch”

HEAVEN—Judging by his slurred speech, loosened inhibitions, and recent series of embarrassing public mishaps, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, reportedly determined this week that His and Our Heavenly Father, God, has been “drinking a lot more than usual lately.” “I noticed Him watching Sam & Cat in the den,” said Jesus, whose ultimate sacrifice … Continue reading

Polygamist Adds 2 Wives, 5 Chins To Family

OGDEN, UT—Despite the open public animosity toward their lifestyle, it was reported this weekend that polygamist family The Bakers added 2 wives and 5 chins to their already expansive family of 3 wives and 7 chins. “It’s a little hard for the public to understand, I know,” fat new wife Jenna Baker told Sheaple Magazine … Continue reading

God Announces Human Beings No Longer Made With 100% Human Meat

HEAVEN–Facing mounting pressure from the FDA, Our Almighty Creator, God, was forced to announce that human beings, His one and true perfect creation whom He so loved that He sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross for, are no longer composed entirely of human meat. “So what? I cut it with a … Continue reading

Kids Kraft Korner: Pollen Cream

Hello, kids! It’s that time of year again–the days are getting longer, the leaves are getting greener, and the world is dusted in a fresh coat of yellow–you know what that means? It’s time for pollen cream! For those of you who don’t know, pollen cream is a time-honored tradition all over the country. We … Continue reading


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