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Cars Cause Traffic Jam Watching Cars In Other Lane Causing Traffic Jam Watching Them

Cars Cause Traffic Jam Watching Cars In Other Lane Causing Traffic Jam Watching Them

“History Tends To Repeat Itself,” Repeats Historian

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Sources at the University of Virginia confirmed today that respected history professor, Dr. James Fernum, 64, gave his regular end-of-semester speech to his 3:00 MWF Introduction to American History class this morning. “Let us all remember that history tends to repeat itself,” the tenured professor passionately proclaimed in front of the singularly apathetic gathering … Continue reading

Locally Filmed Web Series Featured In Local Paper By Author Involved In Web Series

PROVIDENCE, RI—In a display of little patience or talent, a locally filmed web series became a shining example of the old saying, “It’s all about who you know,” by being featured in the local newspaper. This will not only promote the lackluster series, but also attract potential talent to become part of the abysmal videos. … Continue reading

God Confesses He Was Conceived By A Big Bang

HEAVEN—Coming forward with details pertaining to our existence—our Heavenly Father has revealed that He Himself did not in fact will Himself into being. Rather, He, who is the Creator of the Earth and everything in the known universe, was immaculately conceived during, “some sort of big bang.” “Yeah, I mean, I created all this shit … Continue reading

Charlotte Leaders Unveil Giant Robot To Protect City

CHARLOTTE, NC—As the list of potential threats to our nation’s cities continues to grow—with terrorist activity, climate change, and political corruption all posing their own unique hazards—Mayor Clodfelter announced at a televised press conference Tuesday morning that his new proactive approach to city defense includes the “immediate and liberal use of a giant robot.” “As … Continue reading

Gettysburg Haunted By Still-Living Bodies Of People Who Didn’t Die There

GETTYSBURG, PA–With this July marking the 151st anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg–a bloody encounter that resulted in an unfathomable number of casualties, as well as a number of injuries that, while fathomable, is still unpleasant to think about–residents living near the somber battlefield have reported a massive surge in normal activity. “It seems to … Continue reading

Charlotte Skyscraper Just Can’t Reach Cloud’s Itch

CHARLOTTE, NC—In a heartbreaking display of futility, miscommunication, and the disconnect between man’s creation and nature, meteorologists reported today that the Bank of America Corporate Center has been roundly unsuccessful in its attempts to scratch the lingering itch of a passing cloud. “I’ve been observing this fruitless dance for a few hours now, and the … Continue reading

‘Asshole Cut Me Off,’ Yells This Reporter Alone In Car

SOME ROAD, WHO CARES—In a fucking bullshit move by some asshole in a BMW, this reporter was forced to slam on the damn brakes to not hit that motherfucker in the dumb-ass BMW. The rich cocksucker reportedly has nowhere fucking important to be and just wants to make this reporter’s life that much worse. Immediately … Continue reading

Oyster Yields Tampax Pearl

CHARLESTON, SC–At a press conference Thursday morning, local oyster harvester and fisherman Ben Stevens, 42, reported that he experienced the shock of his life when he opened one of his recently caught mollusks to reveal a Tampax Pearl brand unscented tampon. Stevens, whose family has been in the fishing industry for three generations, reportedly discovered … Continue reading

Overprotective Father Worried Son Won’t Have Sex In College

BOONE, NC—Having proudly witnessed his firstborn son graduate from high school last Saturday, local electrician and father of two, Robert Alexander, 41, confided to reporters his fear that the young man in question, Robert Alexander, 17, won’t “get enough tail” during his upcoming college years. “He’s a good kid. Great kid. Does homework on time, … Continue reading

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