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REPORT: Millions Still In Fear Of Brilliance

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a desperate report written solely to prove self-worth, an aspiring production company, Sublimely Elegant Films, has declared that millions of Americans still live in constant fear of brilliance. According to the document, this widespread idiocy causes thousands of people a day to ignore and bad-mouth content that they are too dull to comprehend. … Continue reading

God Confesses He Was Conceived By A Big Bang

HEAVEN—Coming forward with details pertaining to our existence—our Heavenly Father has revealed that He Himself did not in fact will Himself into being. Rather, He, who is the Creator of the Earth and everything in the known universe, was immaculately conceived during, “some sort of big bang.” “Yeah, I mean, I created all this shit … Continue reading

Charlotte Leaders Unveil Giant Robot To Protect City

CHARLOTTE, NC—As the list of potential threats to our nation’s cities continues to grow—with terrorist activity, climate change, and political corruption all posing their own unique hazards—Mayor Clodfelter announced at a televised press conference Tuesday morning that his new proactive approach to city defense includes the “immediate and liberal use of a giant robot.” “As … Continue reading

Gettysburg Haunted By Still-Living Bodies Of People Who Didn’t Die There

GETTYSBURG, PA–With this July marking the 151st anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg–a bloody encounter that resulted in an unfathomable number of casualties, as well as a number of injuries that, while fathomable, is still unpleasant to think about–residents living near the somber battlefield have reported a massive surge in normal activity. “It seems to … Continue reading

Universities Recalling Thousands Of Defective Degrees

WASHINGTON, DC—With the death toll of hopes and dreams reaching almost a million, universities around the nation are now recalling over 400,000 college diplomas. In a statement released to the press, universities are claiming that a small flaw in the diploma’s abstract concept is causing the degree to lose its significance—thus leaving the graduate with … Continue reading

Man Tries Everything He Can To Get Erection For America

SEATTLE, WA–Sources confirmed Thursday that local man James Williamson, 25, has tried everything he can to get an erection for America, but has been thoroughly unsuccessful in his attempts to rouse his groin from its slumber in a patriotic salute to the nation in which he was born. “I’ve read the entirety of the Declaration … Continue reading

Jesus Gets Around To Finding Death Row Inmate

DALLAS, TX—While discussions about the morality and ethics of capital punishment continue to dominate public discourse, death row inmate Harry Scranton, 44, was given a  chance at eternal redemption as Jesus Christ found him exactly 31 minutes before his scheduled execution, officials reported Tuesday. Scranton, who has been in and out of prisons across the … Continue reading

Video Guns Leading Cause Of Game Violence

DURHAM, NC—Researchers at Duke University released today the results of a decades-long study of the root cause of violence in games, and have conclusively proven that video guns are indeed the culprit. “It has long been suspected that video guns lead to game violence, but now we’ve actually confirmed it,” wrote lead researcher James Whitfield, … Continue reading

Over 300 Million Americans Detained In America

AMERICA—As the number of American citizens being held by overseas governments increases on a daily basis—with Honduras and North Korea both announcing last week the capture of several American tourists—new reports have surfaced today that over 300 million Americans are currently being detained in America. The United States Census Bureau announced on its website Sunday … Continue reading

St. Louis To Get Second Arch, Also To Be Renamed McLouis

ST. LOUIS, MO—In an attempt to “rebrand” the city, Mayor Francis Slay has initiated plans to build a second Gateway Arch right next to the original. In addition to the second arch, both arches will be painted a new shining coat of gold. “We’re really trying to think inside the sesame seed bun here,” said … Continue reading

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