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God Confesses He Was Conceived By A Big Bang

HEAVEN—Coming forward with details pertaining to our existence—our Heavenly Father has revealed that He Himself did not in fact will Himself into being. Rather, He, who is the Creator of the Earth and everything in the known universe, was immaculately conceived during, “some sort of big bang.” “Yeah, I mean, I created all this shit … Continue reading

Senate Gathers Together For Board Game Night

WASHINGTON–As part of a federally mandated team-building exercise that the United States government plans to implement across all of its governing bodies, the entirety of the 113th Congress gathered together last Thursday night in hopes that they could put aside their personal differences and political alignments for the evening, and simply spend some time bonding … Continue reading

Conservative Politicians Prematurely Terminate Plans To Fight Abortion

WASHINGTON, DC—Admitting that their party is both “not ready for the responsibilities,” and “a little too immature to be making decisions on behalf of another,” the GOP reported Thursday that they intend on terminating their long-held stance against abortion. Why would the Republican Party cancel their plans on terminating pregnancies this far into the election … Continue reading

Jesus: “Dad, You Smell Like Scotch”

HEAVEN—Judging by his slurred speech, loosened inhibitions, and recent series of embarrassing public mishaps, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, reportedly determined this week that His and Our Heavenly Father, God, has been “drinking a lot more than usual lately.” “I noticed Him watching Sam & Cat in the den,” said Jesus, whose ultimate sacrifice … Continue reading

God Announces Human Beings No Longer Made With 100% Human Meat

HEAVEN–Facing mounting pressure from the FDA, Our Almighty Creator, God, was forced to announce that human beings, His one and true perfect creation whom He so loved that He sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross for, are no longer composed entirely of human meat. “So what? I cut it with a … Continue reading

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