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God Confesses He Was Conceived By A Big Bang

HEAVEN—Coming forward with details pertaining to our existence—our Heavenly Father has revealed that He Himself did not in fact will Himself into being. Rather, He, who is the Creator of the Earth and everything in the known universe, was immaculately conceived during, “some sort of big bang.” “Yeah, I mean, I created all this shit … Continue reading

New Sports Video Games To Have Dynamic Stories About Why Ball Needs To Move

LOS ANGELES—As shocking announcements continue to pour out of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or E3, EA Games has revealed an audacious new strategy for its traditional annual sports games line-up. At their press conference Monday afternoon, EA Games CEO Andrew Wilson spoke on behalf of the EA Sports division about this bold new innovation. “Traditionally, … Continue reading

Jesus: “Dad, You Smell Like Scotch”

HEAVEN—Judging by his slurred speech, loosened inhibitions, and recent series of embarrassing public mishaps, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, reportedly determined this week that His and Our Heavenly Father, God, has been “drinking a lot more than usual lately.” “I noticed Him watching Sam & Cat in the den,” said Jesus, whose ultimate sacrifice … Continue reading

Local Coach Tries to Forget 30 Years of Smear the Queer

JACKSON, MI – Longtime bigot for over 53 years and a high school coach for 30, Ted Pierce, 54, admitted to reporters this week that he “no longer supports the playing of Smear the Queer.” Pierce–who had personally overseen the systematic bullying of effeminate teens for over three decades–readily conceded that the game he had … Continue reading

God Announces Human Beings No Longer Made With 100% Human Meat

HEAVEN–Facing mounting pressure from the FDA, Our Almighty Creator, God, was forced to announce that human beings, His one and true perfect creation whom He so loved that He sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross for, are no longer composed entirely of human meat. “So what? I cut it with a … Continue reading

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